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16

Sep

I guess I have pretty low standards. I’ll reply to your OKCupid message as long as we like the same shows.
So this conversation happened this morning.

So this conversation happened this morning.

12

Sep

Finding Love in All the Wrong Places

….and I’m paying to be there too. So needless to say my howaboutwe.com membership was an epic fail. I would tell someone I was interested in their date and they’d never reply. The Internet used to be a friendly place where I belonged. Nope. Now I even get rejected there. Account canceled.

So I went to eharmony. They were running a deal that brought the monthly payment down to $13. So I signed up. So far I’ve chatted with a guy in Alaska. I don’t think it’s going to workout.

So I reluctantly reregistered for okcupid. I get lots of messages everyday. By guys who look like they are serial killers. My friend told me its probably because they are. A nice married couple invited me to join their marriage because they were looking to start a polyamourous family. Flattering but I declined.

I started chatting with a really nice guy. We found out that we work in the same building. And he lives in the building next door. We talked for a while then he stopped replying. Ce la vie.

There’s a slew of other messages, nice ones, forward ones, ones that suggest a booty call. But I have actually learned something from using okcupid. I’ve found out that I’m probably racist.

21

Aug

Online Dating

For the past year I’ve been making meaningless online dating profiles. I started with a free account with match.com. My second set of Daily Matches included an ex. I took this as a sign from match.com. It meant this was the wrong site. My friends tried to convince me that it was a sign that we should probably get back together. nope. 

The next site was okcupid. I received about 2 messages a day. This is a sample of a few:

"Hey girl, let’s hook up." 

"I’m just a little bit of chocolate searching for a bit of vanilla."

"Hey girl, you hella fine" -from a platonic guy friend who found my profile

"You’re profile says you like Doctor Who. I think you’re a liar. You’re just trying to get a big nerd because you like nerds. Well, you’re not fooling us."

After the Doctor Who comment I deleted my profile. 

Then I tried a website called CoffeemeetsBagel. Everyday at noon they send you someone they think you might get along. If you’re interested you reply. Well, everyday I’d get an email, “We don’t have enough people on this website. Tell you’re friends so we can send you matches.” ok… Online dating fail. Why would I want you to set me up with people I already know? If I did that I would just go date on Facebook. I canceled that account, too.

I got a free eharmony account. I got a lot of messages but couldn’t read them because I wasn’t paying. I thought about paying but I felt that eharmony was for people who were super serious about getting married. I just want to meet a few people and date, maybe find a boyfriend. So I didn’t pay, however, eharmony does have a very aesthetically pleasing website and sign up process. They win for design!

Now I’m on a site called howaboutwe.com. People post date ideas on their profile and if you want to do it, you send them a message. Today I paid for a membership. I’m only doing one month. It’s like $22 for a month. I didn’t want to sign a 3 month contract. Just trying it out. Maybe I’ll meet someone.. or atleast get a free meal, right? 

 

 

20

Aug

Magic Tricks.

image

GIFs that I need to keep on hand….

23

Jul

Can I See Your Magic Trick?

I recently found myself on, what I and the rest of the world would consider a date. It was the fourth of July and I went out to the suburbs to see a friend that I believed to be a little more than a friend. He pulls up to the train station in his vintage 1967 red Mustang. I die, a little. We head to dinner and we had fun. Laughing, joking, talking about our lives. Then he says “You know how I pick up girls? 1- Ask them their spirit animal. 2- Do a magic. Girls love magic tricks.” I laugh and remind him that when we first met he asked me my spirit animal. He replies, “It worked, didn’t it?”

A few hours later we find ourselves at his house on the couch. We’re talking and he says, “I want to show you a magic trick. The cards are in my room.” Haa. I’m an adult. I know what this means. While it’s a lame attempt to get me in his room, I like him so I oblige. After going into his room I sit on his bed while he searches for the cards. He does a few magic tricks. I say I can show him a card trick and ask him to sit next to me. My magic trick fails and we laugh. Then we play Uno for an hour.

I have to catch the last train to the city so it’s time to go. Since it’s the fourth of July, a holiday, the last train stopped running an hour ago. I’m forced, haha, to stay at his house. I’m thinking, ok we can pick up where we left off. Go back to his room and do some more “magic tricks.” No. He puts me on the couch. 

I kept wondering if I did anything wrong. Then we spent the next two days jamming out at a beach music fest. Clearly he likes hanging out with me. Is there some place that guys like to sit between friends and significant other? Like we’re not even friends with benefits. I thought he was just a prude but we’ve talked about past relationships. It’s not like he’s inexperienced or anything. 

But really, if I’m good enough to be your best friend, aren’t I good enough to be a girlfriend?

03

Jul

They like me… When I’m gone.

There’s something about California that makes boys back home miss me. When ever I travel there, the boy that I am currently interested in thinks that he needs to talk to me the whole time whether it be through text, twitter, Facebook, or phone calls… This phenomenon started my senior year of high school. I was hanging out with a  guy back in my home state of Utah. My family decided to take a trip to San Diego. The whole time he kept texting me. Asking what I was doing, flirting, the usual. Now, we weren’t dating. We hadn’t even made out. We just liked each other but where both afraid of what to do about it. So it was a big deal that he started texting me nonstop while on this vacation. When I got home, he not only stopped texting me, he wanted to stop hanging out with me. He totally wrote me off. About 6 months later I moved to Chicago and never heard or saw him again.

Throughout college, I stayed away from boys. I was busy with my 18 credit hour semesters, and 2 part time jobs. When I graduated I was desperate for a boyfriend. I found myself hanging around this one guy that I met at my internship. He was also an intern. We hung out like 3 times a week. I thought I made it obvious that I was interested and he made it obvious too. One Saturday we met for brunch. (I mean, who goes to brunch with someone that’s not your best gal pal or your lover, am I right!?) The whole brunch he was absolutely charming. Like flirt level 10! Not kidding. On my way home we texted each other joking about the morning. I went to facebook this guy a link that we had talked about and noticed that he had defriended me. Ok. I know that this is super dramatic but you have to understand. This guy is the type of guy that defriending means something. So since I was still texting him I asked “Why aren’t we FB friends anymore?” He stopped texting me. 6 hours later (not an exaggeration. Literally 6 hours later) this asshole replied “I’m taking a data liberation.” WTF does that mean. I’ll tell you what it means. He cut off all contact from me. He quit the internship and avoided me at all costs.

Fast forward a year and a half later, I somehow let this asshole back into my life. I had deleted his phone number and apparently he had deleted mine. Therefore all our communication was done via email or twitter. Well one day we arrange to hang out at my house. He said “So, I got a new phone and lost your number. It would probably be good if you give it me again.” I called his bluff, “ You didn’t get a new phone. I deleted your number too.” So we hung a few times after that. We became really good friends.

About a month later I took a business trip to San Francisco. He starts texting me one night while I’m away. At 2am. Not anything creepy or flirtatious. Just, you know, trying to start a conversation. So I talked back. For the duration of the week, we kept this up. One night, while out with friends, we started flirtatiously texting. It was fun. The rest of the week it was this kind of texting. I was kind of getting excited thinking that this is where we had taken this friendship.

I think it’s a good time to point out that our “friendship” had always had a little bit of sexual tension one way or another. We we’re a little mean to each other but only in the way you’d be mean to a 2nd grade crush. I know, we’re children.

So I come home. We keep texting. The same way we had been while I was gone. He asks “So when are you coming home?” I tell him that I landed last night. He then asks when we’re going to hangout. He sets a date and asks if that’s ok. We’re hanging out on the 4th of July. I say sure.

So today is July 3rd. I get a text from him saying that he’s stuck in the burbs (because I live in the city and he lives in the suburbs) and that I should let him know what my plans are. So I ask if he’s stuck in the burbs tomorrow and won’t be able to come to the city. He says he’s not sure but he’ll let me know. Ok! I’m not about to be that girl who waits around her phone all day waiting for a guy to say that he’s not coming. That does not sound like the ideal way to celebrate independence day. So, I exercised a little bit of independence. I text “ Ok well, let me know you’re plans when you find out. If we’re not going to meet up I’d like to make other plans.” He replies, “yeah it’s probably best to just go ahead and make those other plans.”

That’s it. He canceled. I’m royally pissed off. I understand that things come up but I made it clear that I could come to the burbs if he needed me to. I don’t want to seem desperate so I just go with the flow and pretend I don’t care.

So here’s where things change. I thought we were done talking but he sent me another text a few minutes later. He texted me a restaurant name, restaurant website, and a train schedule. He asked if I could make the 4:30pm train so I could meet him for dinner. Ok. So he tried… I can’t be too mad. But I swear. Can I please get a break? I wish I could just say “hey, I like you. What do you think about that.” And he could answer “I like you too. Let’s do something about that.” Or he could say “I’m not that interested.” And then it wouldn’t have to be weird. I thought things got easier as you got older. Nope. They just get worst. 

Anyway- Wish me luck tomorrow. And let’s hope he doesn’t leave me stranded at a train station in the northern burbs.

27

Apr

I just bought birth control with my babysitting money.

I’ve just started a new, real job. I get paid a lot more than I ever even thought I could get paid. It’s really not a whole lot. Like real adults would laugh if I told them what I make but it’s more than my Gap paycheck could ever possibly pay. 

However, during my college and Gap years I managed to pick up a large babysitting clientele. One of these said clients even offered to have me move to Switzerland with the family and be a full time nanny. But I declined, I had bigger dreams than that. Over the years, families came and went. Living in the city is hard for families. They al eventually move to the ‘burbs. 

Fortunately, there is a family that have practically become my own. They live in the city and I have been occasionally babysitting them for almost 4 years. Even though I don’t need the money anymore, I still babysit them because I love hanging out with the kids. However, the $12/hr I get to eat ice cream, ride scooters around the park and watching reruns of Friends isn’t anything to scoff at. I made it out last night with $85. That paid for Saturday’s brunch, a few groceries, laundry, and birth control.

I would love to point out the irony in this statement. I just bought birth control with babysitting money. haha I love it! It also makes me sound soooo much cooler than I really am. I hope of you in cyber land find this as funny as I do.