My first crush ever was a kid named Colton. I loved him from first grade all the way until 4th grade. Colton was short. Not like “I’m in the first grade short.” but like short. I was always the tallest, biggest kid in elementary school. Even through Middle school. It wasn’t until high school that I started becoming part of the average body size. I wasn’t even the biggest anymore. It was refreshing.
Up until I was in the 7th I had crushes on the pretty boys, the boys that every other girl has a crush on. Through middle school I had crushes on my best friends’ boyfriends. All of whom she knew about before she started dating them (#bitch.) When 8th grade rolled around I started liking the soft spoken, yet athletic boys. They were still popular but they weren’t the alpha dog.
When I was a sophomore I finally realized that everyone belongs to a league. It’s much easier to acquire a significant other when you have a crush on someone in the same league as you. So instead of dating on my level, I decided I really wanted a boyfriend so I would date down a level. I picked a shy, overweight, and balding kid in my chemistry class. I got to know him. His nickname amongst my friends was Charlie Brown and I would be his little red-haired girl. My best friend lived next door to him and I would flirt with him as we sat outside during the summer. Thinking that he’d have to be an idiot to turn me down, I continued to pursue him. He never gave me the time of day and I gave up.
A few months later I met a set of over weight, football bench warming twins. Not only was there one, but there was two. If one rejected me, I’d still have the other. They hung out with me a few times. They were a year older so they could drive. It was cool. Then they both told me that they only date cheerleaders. Ok- good luck with that you overweight sacks of lard. Now, They are both married to former high school cheerleaders.
Throughout high school I got lots of boys who wanted to be my friends. LOTS. I had a crush on Cole, Darin, Colin, Shiloh, Sage, Justin, Tanner, Jon, Chase, Daniel, Ethan, and Luke. All of them never dated me. They loved watching movies with me. They loved cuddling with me. They loved going to the football games with me and taking me to prom but not a single one wanted to be my boyfriend. (But I will give Darin, Daniel, and Luke a break. They’re all gay now. BUT they weren’t in high school!) SO I was cool enough to be besties with but not cool enough to date.
As we fast forward past college and into young adulthood, my love life has stayed the same. College was different because I went to an art school and worked at the Gap. Every man I met was gay. I was also so focused on school and juggling 2 part time jobs and 21 credit hours that I didn’t even notice the lack of a boyfriend.
Being graduated and having no life what so ever, I want to drop kick every couple I see walking down the street. In the past year I have gone after 2 boys, both of whom still love talking to me and asking me to go on vacations with them and go to dinner with them. Both straight. Both single. Both damaged goods. Apparently love has hit them hard in the past and they don’t want to take another swing at it. One of them said “You deserve someone who’s not afraid to love you.” How can you say that to someone without caring about them? But next week when you need a plus one to the Of Monsters and Men Concert you ask me and tweet about it so your friend (the other guy I’m interested in) knows that I’m with you.
You guys can have a measuring contest all you want but don’t let the playing chip be me. Not unless one of you wants to claim me as your prize and take care of me. (Most unfeministic sentence EVER.) But I mean it. You can fight over who gets more attention from me but seriously. When I tell you I’m interested don’t run away like a little baby and say you weren’t interested. I know you’re sad about your mom’s death and your relationship with your father but if you’re not going to feel me up then let me talk once and a while. I’m not a fucking therapist.
I’m flattered that every guy wants me to be their best friend but what the fuck am I suppose to do when you go off and get married to your dream girl? I know your wife isn’t going to be ok with me and you cuddling at the movie theater. And I already hate your kids. So please, tell me what I’m suppose to do.
The last guy I tried to win over with my charm was a man 10 years older than me. He is going grey, getting fat, and all his friends hate him (how do I know? They’ve told me because, that’s right, he’s invited me to hang out with his friends.) But what did he say when I asked him if he’s going to take me on a date? He said, “I thought politely stepping aside would have been clear.” Yes- that would have been clear. But you didn’t step aside. You invited me to brunch, you called me to talk because you were ‘bored,’ you invited me to movies, you asked me to get FroYo at 10 o’clock at night. We walked around the park and joked around for hours while showing each other our scars. I had your back when your boss told me he was going to replace you without notice. yes. I am a great friend but I’m fucking tired of being everyone’s friend. Someone fucking love me, dammit.