I’ve just started a new, real job. I get paid a lot more than I ever even thought I could get paid. It’s really not a whole lot. Like real adults would laugh if I told them what I make but it’s more than my Gap paycheck could ever possibly pay. 

However, during my college and Gap years I managed to pick up a large babysitting clientele. One of these said clients even offered to have me move to Switzerland with the family and be a full time nanny. But I declined, I had bigger dreams than that. Over the years, families came and went. Living in the city is hard for families. They al eventually move to the ‘burbs. 

Fortunately, there is a family that have practically become my own. They live in the city and I have been occasionally babysitting them for almost 4 years. Even though I don’t need the money anymore, I still babysit them because I love hanging out with the kids. However, the $12/hr I get to eat ice cream, ride scooters around the park and watching reruns of Friends isn’t anything to scoff at. I made it out last night with $85. That paid for Saturday’s brunch, a few groceries, laundry, and birth control.

I would love to point out the irony in this statement. I just bought birth control with babysitting money. haha I love it! It also makes me sound soooo much cooler than I really am. I hope of you in cyber land find this as funny as I do. 

I understand that you are sick. I really, really do. I’m very sorry that you are feeling under the weather. I really really am. BUT will everyone just stop complaining to me about being sick?

I swear every work email, tweet, text message, gchat, whatever— people are complaining that they are sick. It’s not even a “Yeah, I just don’t feel too well.” It’s a “Yeah, I’m soooo sick. I just hope you take care of yourself because I really don’t want you to get this. IT’s just terrible.” For some reason, I feel that saying this emplies that I should feel guilty that I am not suffering with you. 

For some back story, I had a serious cold last week. I came into work, kept my distance from my coworkers, and spent my day sitting next to a bottle of Purell. One of my coworkers came up to me and said, “If you’re not feeling well, you can go home.” I told her that I felt fine and I had lots of meetings and deadlines that I had to be at work for. She persistently said this until about 2:00 when she said, “I think you should really go home. Don’t make us sick too.” Ok- If you were concerned about that, you should have said that at the beginning instead of being passive. So I took my work home. 

Fast forward to Saturday. I get an email from her, “I woke up this morning with a soar throat. Thanks for getting me sick.” OK! Considering that I started getting sick yesterday, I really don’t think you are sick because of me. MOnday comes and she worked from home because she was sick. Tuesday she comes into work, “I need to borrow your tissues because you got me sick.” Ok! I recognize that you are sick. BUT you’re symptoms aren’t even the same as mine. You still have a voice. I could barely talk. You do not have the same thing I had. Thursday, during a meeting with our other office she announces to everyone that, “She came in sick last week and now I am sick. We should have sent her home the second we found out she was sick.” DEAR GOD! Give it a rest. This morning I come in to read my email it says, “Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know that I am currently on my second round of being sick this winter. I hope you all take care of yourselves.” 

Listen up. FUCK YOU. If I got you sick, which obviously I didn’t because you don’t even have the symptoms I had, I am sorry. This is Chicago. In the winter. You are going to get sick. Yes, I probably should have not come into work the day I was sick, but I had so much I had to do and if I didn’t come in you would have been left to pick up my slack. So really, there isn’t a win for me in this situation. Go be sick. Stop sending emails and telling our boss that I got you sick. No one cares. Everyone else in the world is sick. Get over yourself. I have a whole box of tissues at my desk. You can use them to blow your nose or cry into. But please, I don’t want to hear anymore from you.

Being in my twenties and living alone in a 2 bedroom, I decided to make some extra money and put the extra room on airbnb. Now- I’m making about 75% of rent off this guy which means I really don’t have to pay for rent. I’m just covering the utilities. BUT- Today he came and asked me if we could turn the thermostat up at night. I live in Chicago and this is the warmest apartment I have ever lived in during winter months. I keep the apartment at 70 during the day and 60 at night- because 1- I’m poor and can’t afford for it to be 80 degrees in here 24/7 and 2- It’s night. You should be sleeping in blankets! That’s how my grandparents did it. (The youths today are selfish and ungrateful…) 

But the thing that makes me upset is that he is sick and he’s blaming the cold temperature at night. No- you are sick for the following reasons.

- You drink WAY too much
- You’re from California and have never witnessed real winter
- You ride public transportation through Chicago. In the winter.
- You eat terrible food that is not healthy for you.
- You never exercise.
- And you wear a jacket. This is Chicago get a god damn coat.

He also tried to tell me that his room is cold because his window is facing the building right next to ours so his room doesn’t allow sunlight in. FYI- This is CHICAGO! No where in the city sees sunlight between the months of October and April!!

So this, apparently being the only cold he’s ever had in his life, went to CVS and bought a number of quick remedies. I”m talking about cough syrups, vitamin C, oranges, orange juice, Sinus rinses.. you name it. (Can I also say it’s my time of the month so I have no sympathy for your stuffed nose. My ovaries feel like they are going to fall out but you don’t see me throwing back Midols and choking on cupcakes.) 

But I really don’t think this idea of buying the whole pharmacy is just this guy’s problem. I’ve lived with 3 different guys and this is how they react to a cold. It’s like the apocalypse. Do you want to know how I get over a cold? The way my mom taught me. (FYI- She’s a nurse sooo she knows what she’s talking about.) 

Get some sleep. Don’t drink alcoholic beverages. Eat warm foods. Don’t exert yourself. Eat healthy food with vitamins and all that healthy stuff. 

But did any of the guys I live with follow my advice? NO! They tried their stupid over the counter remedies while eating nothing but Top Romen Noodles, 6 packs of beer, and partying until 3 am. That’s why your sick. Not because you didn’t take an Emergen-C. Ugh. 

Even my friends who have significant others hate V-day. So, in honor of Valentines Day 2013, I have created a list of activities that can be festive and take your mind off being single or being in a terrible relationship. If you are neither, then stop whining and go have a great Valentines Day with that special someone. 

1- Buy a bag of conversation hearts and only eat the pink and white ones. Those are the only acceptable flavors. And steer clear of the Branches brand. You want the Sweethearts brand. Don’t skimp on the hearts, folks.

2- Avoid fancy, sit-down restaurants. Go to a place like Chipotle, Panera, or a local equivalent. And go with friends. None of this sad, sitting at home eating Chinese Take-Out while watching Bridget Jones.

3- Don’t have high expectations. Don’t think that the hot guy in the office is going to anonymously send you flowers. That’s not going to happen. Spare yourself the disappointment.

4- Wear headphones at work and try to look super busy all day so you won’t be distracted by deliveries to your fellow coworkers. Don’t let Susan come into your cube with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. She’s only going to say, “Isn’t Paul the greatest? You really need to find yourself a Paul!” 

5- Take some baked goods into work. You can’t be the only without a Sweetheart. Bond over this commonality. Then you, and other singles, won’t feel so awkward when everyone’s munching on their specaily delivered treats. 

6- If it’s crazy cold outside or you are such a homebody that you can’t bare the idea of going out with friends, you may only watch movies by Tarantino or Hitchcock. The bloodier, the better.

7- Go running, swimming, or take a yoga class. All the hot people, who usually intimidate you at the gym, will be busy falling in love. Take advantage of the full row of empty ellipticals. 

8- Make sure you tell someone you love them. Even if it’s your mom, cat, or the mirror. Just do it.

9- Treat yo’ self. 

10- Have drink at some point, please. 

My first crush ever was a kid named Colton. I loved him from first grade all the way until 4th grade. Colton was short. Not like “I’m in the first grade short.” but like short. I was always the tallest, biggest kid in elementary school. Even through Middle school. It wasn’t until high school that I started becoming part of the average body size. I wasn’t even the biggest anymore. It was refreshing.

Up until I was in the 7th I had crushes on the pretty boys, the boys that every other girl has a crush on. Through middle school I had crushes on my best friends’ boyfriends. All of whom she knew about before she started dating them (#bitch.) When 8th grade rolled around I started liking the soft spoken, yet athletic boys. They were still popular but they weren’t the alpha dog. 

When I was a sophomore I finally realized that everyone belongs to a league. It’s much easier to acquire a significant other when you have a crush on someone in the same league as you. So instead of dating on my level, I decided I really wanted a boyfriend so I would date down a level. I picked a shy, overweight, and balding kid in my chemistry class. I got to know him. His nickname amongst my friends was Charlie Brown and I would be his little red-haired girl. My best friend lived next door to him and I would flirt with him as we sat outside during the summer. Thinking that he’d have to be an idiot to turn me down, I continued to pursue him. He never gave me the time of day and I gave up. 

A few months later I met a set of over weight, football bench warming twins. Not only was there one, but there was two. If one rejected me, I’d still have the other. They hung out with me a few times. They were a year older so they could drive. It was cool. Then they both told me that they only date cheerleaders. Ok- good luck with that you overweight sacks of lard. Now, They are both married to former high school cheerleaders.

Throughout high school I got lots of boys who wanted to be my friends. LOTS. I had a crush on Cole, Darin, Colin, Shiloh, Sage, Justin, Tanner, Jon, Chase, Daniel, Ethan, and Luke. All of them never dated me. They loved watching movies with me. They loved cuddling with me. They loved going to the football games with me and taking me to prom but not a single one wanted to be my boyfriend. (But I will give Darin, Daniel, and Luke a break. They’re all gay now. BUT they weren’t in high school!) SO I was cool enough to be besties with but not cool enough to date. 

As we fast forward past college and into young adulthood, my love life has stayed the same. College was different because I went to an art school and worked at the Gap. Every man I met was gay. I was also so focused on school and juggling 2 part time jobs and 21 credit hours that I didn’t even notice the lack of a boyfriend. 

Being graduated and having no life what so ever, I want to drop kick every couple I see walking down the street. In the past year I have gone after 2 boys, both of whom still love talking to me and asking me to go on vacations with them and go to dinner with them. Both straight. Both single. Both damaged goods. Apparently love has hit them hard in the past and they don’t want to take another swing at it. One of them said “You deserve someone who’s not afraid to love you.” How can you say that to someone without caring about them? But next week when you need a plus one to the Of Monsters and Men Concert you ask me and tweet about it so your friend (the other guy I’m interested in) knows that I’m with you.

You guys can have a measuring contest all you want but don’t let the playing chip be me. Not unless one of you wants to claim me as your prize and take care of me. (Most unfeministic sentence EVER.) But I mean it. You can fight over who gets more attention from me but seriously. When I tell you I’m interested don’t run away like a little baby and say you weren’t interested. I know you’re sad about your mom’s death and your relationship with your father but if you’re not going to feel me up then let me talk once and a while. I’m not a fucking therapist.  

I’m flattered that every guy wants me to be their best friend but what the fuck am I suppose to do when you go off and get married to your dream girl? I know your wife isn’t going to be ok with me and you cuddling at the movie theater. And I already hate your kids. So please, tell me what I’m suppose to do.

The last guy I tried to win over with my charm was a man 10 years older than me. He is going grey, getting fat, and all his friends hate him (how do I know? They’ve told me because, that’s right, he’s invited me to hang out with his friends.) But what did he say when I asked him if he’s going to take me on a date? He said, “I thought politely stepping aside would have been clear.” Yes- that would have been clear. But you didn’t step aside. You invited me to brunch, you called me to talk because you were ‘bored,’ you invited me to movies, you asked me to get FroYo at 10 o’clock at night. We walked around the park and joked around for hours while showing each other our scars. I had your back when your boss told me he was going to replace you without notice. yes. I am a great friend but I’m fucking tired of being everyone’s friend. Someone fucking love me, dammit. 

I’ve been pondering the wonders of the dating pool. I don’t know if it’s just the circle of people I know or what, but I would have to say that about 97% of the men I know are either taken or gay. And I don’t think these statistics are a one-off. I think this is pretty consistent with most girls in their 20s. Not only are these boys all ineligible, but there are a large amount of single girls. 

I’m a pretty logical person. I like to think that I can solve my own problems by finding a strategy. So I’m trying to think of how to solve my perpetual singleness. First I start at the source of the problem. There aren’t enough straight, single men for the amount of straight, single ladies. 

Why is this!? Well those few boys I know who are straight and single aren’t dating because, and I quote, “I’m afraid of feelings.” Get over yourself and make one of us happy. I don’t know what past girlfriends have done to you but I promise, I’m better than her. 

AND come on, girls in a relationship, appreciate what you’ve got. I was in the grocery store yesterday and this skinny blonde bitch was arguing with her boyfriend because he grabbed the wrong size of marshmallows. Really? You’re boyfriend is pretty and seemed very sincere when he said he didn’t know what size you wanted. If you can’t be nice to him, I’ll give him a good home where the size of marshmallows don’t matter and we can watch reruns of Happy Endings all weekend. 

So let’s take all these bitchy girlfriends and introduce them to each other. Let’s cross our fingers and hope they fall in love. Once all the competition is head over heels with each other, we can move in on their sentimental boyfriends. 

I know this is irrational but at least my jealousy has driven me to wish that you find love with another woman. I could have wished faulty brakes on a city bus.

Today I went to the lady doctor. Now, I know it’s a little personal and a little weird to be broadcasting over the internet but it’s actually a really big deal for me. My first visit to the lady doctor has always been my biggest fear. I’ve had friends who tell me horror stories about it. I mean, it’s really awkward. Taking all your clothes off in front of stranger and then sitting spread eagle so they can mess round down there. And you’re not even drunk!

I remember taking Women’s Health Issues class in college where we talked about the history of women’s health and how it’s actually a really recent practice. Up until the 60’s no one really talked about lady parts. Women were living in ignorance and just assuming that everything was fine down there. It was actually really hard to get women’s health care. 

So in this class, that I took at a liberal arts college, our feminist teacher urged us to go because it empowers women. We have a right to health care. It’s one of the rights that a lot of other women around the world don’t have. 

Then our teacher explained that we should go to the gyno at the age of 21 or when we become sexually active. What ever comes first. But I rolled my eyes. I really didn’t want to go. You’re so vulnerable. I’m pretty self conscious about my body and have a hard time walking around in a full piece bathing suit. I wasn’t about to let a random doctor down there. 

 But for some reason I felt like I needed to catch up on all of my doctors appointments. It’s probably been 5 years since I went to even an eye doctor. So I decided to go to the dentist, eye doctor, and the lady doctor. All in one week so I could get all of that nonsense done. 

I do have to say that the lady dr wasn’t that bad. I had a great doctor who knew that it was my first time and she was super sympathetic and explained everything that she was doing. When she prescribed me a prescription she got all sciency on me and explained why it was important to take it. It was nice. I trusted her. And now that’s I’ve got my first gyno appointment over with, I’m not afraid to go anymore. I feel empowered. I know that I’m healthy and I know that I don’t have to wonder and worry about the my health because it’s already been checked out. 

So yeah, sometimes we do have to grow up, face our fears, and go to the lady doctor. Now that I’ve done that, I feel like I need to face another fear. What should it be?